Every sport known to man has its own set of
rules to play by. There are strikes, walks, and outs innings in baseball;
Soccer, Tennis, Football, Boxing, Golf all have their own brand of rules of
fair-play. All rules are drafted and sanctioned by the players and the various
leagues or governing bodies, for the benefit of all.
Mixed Martial Arts, aka Cage
Fighting, is a so-called “sport” whereby kicking, punching, kneeing and nearly
every kind of offense deemed legal save for biting. Over the past decade MMA
has gradually replaced Boxing as the violent sport of choice.
Virtually every other sport is designed to have one
victor and one loser. However, when it comes to marriage the rules of combat
are drastically in need of change. Both partners in a marriage ought to be for
a win-win situation, in every situation. That can be an impossible task when
one or the other is destined to win at the expense of the other…and sadly the
marriage.
Even marriage needs its own set of rules of fair-play,
especially when it comes to making decisions.
I have deliberately called
it Marriage Mixed Marital Arts (MMMA) as many marriages have succumbed to all
manner of evil tactics to achieve their “trophy”. They often include actions
very similar to MMA or cage fighting.
·
Screaming
·
Threatening
·
Wrestling
·
Body slams
·
Headlocks
·
Arm bars
·
Arguing
·
Name calling
·
Archeological digs [throwing up old scenarios
in which the other one made a bad decision, or somehow got the family into
trouble
·
Punching, kneeing, stomping
·
Biting
·
Pinching
·
Property damage or destruction
·
Emotional, mental, and physical abuse
·
Silent treatments and cold shoulders
·
Door slamming
·
Screeching tires
·
Throwing of objects such as dishes, pots and
pans and whatever is available, even favorite photos or memorabilia.
Ironically- all this from two people so madly in love
with each other they can’t stand to be away from one another—one minute—the
next they hate each other with a passion!!!
All of which may be labeled as Domestic Violence as it
escalates resulting with the incarceration of one or both the sparring
partners; hence the phrase MMMA. Readers may add to the list as deemed
applicable!
Rules
of Engagement
So, the question becomes: What are the rules
of engagement in marriage? I’m so glad you asked. I’ve listed a few below
(again you may add to the list as deemed appropriate):
Marriage needs its own set
of rules of engagement or fair-play, especially when it comes to making
decisions or simply getting along with one another. MMA is fought in the
confines of a round cage whereas Marriage Mixed Martial Arts bouts are usually
fought in the home, having access to all rooms, with exceptions of public
places such as restaurants and grocery stores. While MMA usually has paying
spectators for entertainment, MMMA might have innocent children used as pawns,
but is usually battled out in privacy.
1. The
negative list above is off limits to both.
2. Every
discussion must begin and end with prayer asking God for wisdom and guidance
and praising Him for answering prayer.
3. The
rules must be first clarified between both parties.
4. Only
one topic or issue may be addressed and resolved at a time. Such issue or topic
may be set aside for later mutual consideration when an impasse is attained.
5. No
physical, mental, or emotional tactics are to be used by either spouse.
6. Both
parties have equal input into the topic at hand.
7. Neither
spouse has preeminence over the other.
8. The
degrading of one another’s views is absolutely prohibited. Each view is
essential. To degrade an individual’s views is an attack on their person
thereby exasperating escalating the situation and thereby not tolerated.
9. Each
party has the right to call a time out for further consideration…especially
when it becomes evident that emotions are beginning to take control. A timeout
infers that the discussion will continue at a later time; whereas simply
walking out solves nothing.
10. Both
parties have the express right to both be heard out and listened to.
11. Both
parties have the express right to ask the other for clarification.
12. Whenever
applicable Scripture must be used to guide the discussion.
13. Either
party has the obligation to declare…”This discussion is going nowhere, let’s
take a break and resume later when we’ve both had time to cool off”.
14. One
or the other has the obligation to apologize for unbecoming behavior or verbal
misuse otherwise known as humbling oneself. Most often the recipient of the
apology usually voluntarily follows suit with an apology, thereby resulting in
a more harmonious outcome.
15. Voice
tone must be guarded with due diligence (the same words may be enunciated using
different voice tones thus changing the meaning and intent).
16. Keeping
in mind that everyone has feelings and therefore has the express right [not
privilege] to let the other know when feelings have been tread upon. The other
person then is obligated to acknowledge the same, apologize and repent for such
actions whether intentional or otherwise.
17.
Basically the rules are
listed in Scripture as Jesus said: Do
unto others as you would have them do unto you Matt.7:12; …37Thou shalt love the Lord they
God with all thy heart, and with all they mind, and with all thy soul…39…thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. Matt.22:37;
39.
23Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the
altar, and rememberest thy brother [or spouse] hath ought against thee; 24leave thy gift at before the
altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and
offer thy gift. 25Agree
with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any
time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the
officer, and the officer cast thee into prison. Matt.5:23-25.
All this
must be accompanied by both humbling themselves before the Lord; seeking the
good of a common goal. Only then can it be a win- win situation!
In all
my years in ministry I’ve encountered numerous couples on the verge of
separation or divorce simply because they are playing by the wrong rules. I
personally had to learn them to save my own marriage, and I’m constantly trying
to improve in that area.
Author’s Note:
Not being a trained counselor, I offer my views and
opinions as one having experienced firsthand the dilemmas experienced by others
as well as having offered advice learned from those trained in the field of
counseling and by simple observation of those in need. 1Cor.10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such
as is common to man… It is with this verse that I conclude that all men
[and women] experience common maladies in life.
Many
have heard the old question: On a scale
of 1 to 10…10 being the best… how would you rate your marriage? Time after
time when I’ve posed that simple question to couples the man almost invariably
cites a number from 3 to 5 points higher than the woman. And she usually
responds, somewhat shocked, sometimes hysterically…What do you mean she exclaims!
The next
oblivious question becomes: What would it take for it to be a 10? Once again
the gender responses are as diverse as night and day.
The
reason for the disparity is that women are naturally wired for relationships,
they study their man. They read about marriage and relationships. They read
True Romance, they watch soaps! Whereas men are hard wired for sports, cars,
westerns, and such so we don’t have a clue when it comes to marriage and
relationships. Men are at a distinct disadvantage in marriage and
relationships. While little boys are playing with tricycles and cars the girls
are playing house and playing with dolls. Each gender learning the craft to
which they have been divinely called. The problem becomes of blending the
genders to become one sweet harmonious unity working together for the common.
Author’s Note:
Once domestic rules have been established the term MMMA
should be dropped permanently.
Couples
would do well to keep a copy of this on hand for future reference
Faith
Building Practice and Review
1. Can you
relate to the list of negative actions?
2. Remember,
each party is to commit themselves to self advancement.
3. On the
negative list, circle all that pertain to you personally. [do not include that
which you consider your spouses’ problems]
4. Commit
yourself to prayer purposing to overcome those you’ve circled.
5. Remember
also, that lasting change will not come overnight so give each other lots of
room for growth and improvement.
6. Be sure to
replace the negative with positive.
8. What will
it take , on your part, for it to attain a 10?
